Actual conversations from this week (concerning beverages)

WAITER: Can I get you folks anything to drink?
ME: Just a coffee.
WAITER: Would you like an espresso, cappuccino, latte?
ME: Just a coffee.
WAITER: And would you like a regular coffee an or iced coffee?
ME: Just a coffee.

MORAL OF THE STORY : I MIGHT BE A DICK, BUT SALESMEN ARE DUMMIES.

also:

I saw a lovely couple on the subway today, they were white, toothless, mid 50's and also they were VERY OBVIOUSLY junkies. Taking that into consideration, I laughed A LOT when I heard 'mrs. junkie' say:

"UGH! WHY DID YOU GET SPRITE!? I CAN'T DRINK THIS!"

Finally proving my theory, 'aging junkies looking back on their days of boozing and killing spend their days eating garbage and still think Sprite is an inferior soft drink experience.'

LASTLY, here's a picture of me being mauled by a very nice dog:

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

Dude... Is anyone else, like, basically certain that the only reason Jon Voight is in the new Transformers movie is to make sure that Angelina Jolie's kids won't see the film? I guess if you can't spoil the kids, the least you can do is strong-arm their parents into depriving them the simple joys of robots in disguise.

Look on the bright side, Shakira... There's always Voltron.

Oh yeah....

I can't get interested in sports, but this clip of David Letterman's original 1980's talk show makes me go "YEAAAAAAAAH!". Check out the old new york / split screen intro. It's like getting a really good massage from Bill Murray.

??????????

While we're on the subject....

"Could the reporter read back the witness' statement please?"

"yes, 'I plead the fifth, 'nuff said'."




Never meet your heroes, true believers!

WOW.

I have not even watched this yet, but, just IN THEORY, I have decided it is amazing.

Done.

I DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN

Alright Instant Talk Show fan/s, it's time to take off the kid gloves, and open up a HOT NEW/BUTTON/CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC for discussion.

Incisor: The One True Tooth? Or just this year's canine?

DISCUSS/WHO CARES.

R.I.P O.D.B

YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD REALLY USE?

Some Five Alive. Put that togther with some V8, and you've got thirteen natural flavors. Add some Clamato and some Olde English 800, and you've got yourself an entire day's nutrition in a glass. Because the Instant Talk Show doesn't NEED a recipe for success. We do potluck. Suckers.

DON'T HASSEL ME, MAN

Whoa. Looks like God finally got my email, cause the Hoff's got a new show. I think it's a reality show. It's called something like "My Dad's an Alcoholic, and There's Nothing Funny About That." It's hilarious! In the next episode, Kitt gets a very special DUI. Guest starring Paris Hilton.

In a situation like this one, my heart goes out to the burger. I mean, that thing is gonna have rejection issues the rest of its life. If you watch the video (link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=dyRm1vL77ps), you'll see Hoff trying VERY, VERY HARD to eat a fast food burger, and failing, with spectacular comedic effect. Who is this guy, the fucking Hamburglar?

In other news, anyone who pays for cable nowadays is a sucker, cause celebrities are just saving their "A" game for real life. Reality used to be my anti-drug. Now it's just my drug.

END OF AN ERA

All right,

For all you fucking assholes who never came by to see the giant titty Madonna billboard I was so excited about a few weeks back, forget it, it's fucking over. Chance: GONE. There's two Mario and Luigi looking dudes out there RIGHT NOW covering Madonna up with white paint.

I'm seriously, we need a moment of silence here. Because NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE A GIANT IMAGE OF MADONNA LOOKING ATTRACTIVE BEYOND HER YEARS EVER AGAIN EVER. Trust me. She's very modest. I mean, just look at the giant and flattering photo of her. OH WAIT, YOU GODDAMN CAN'T, IT'S GONE FOR GOOD.

Moment of silence... Done.

And since I forgot my camera again, above is a repurposed photo of some bitch covered in paint, for your reference.

QUESTION:

Is this funny or dirty?



I'm sorry if it's dirty.

Bible Humper

Jerry Falwell died yesterday. So this morning I looked him up on Wikipedia, to try and gain some insight into this now-dead, Elmer Fudd-esque man before his puff-piece obit hits, and his memory gets propelled to a status befitting a recently deceased Living God. Unfortunately, the Wikipeople had gotten there first, and cleaned up all the dirt, so this enigmatic man (I had never heard of him before yesterday, to the best of my knowledge) will FOREVER remain a mystery. Unequivocally. About the only "fact" I was able to glean before I got bored and started searching for an entry for "Briand Dennehy Beastiality Sex Scandal" (FYI there isn't one... YET) was that Jerry lost his virginity to his own mother in an outhouse. At least according to Larry Flynt. The accuracy of this account could be called into question, but it's entertainment value is absolute.

Whereas the Ancient Egyptians built tombs to help usher their most revered dead to the underworld, we now construct heaping mounds of shmaltz and spin to honor our dead leaders. And as in Egypt, when I say we, I mean "the Jews."

Hey, I KNOW HER!!!

OK, so having satisfied my "one post every fifteen months" quota, I was more than content to sit on ass the rest of my day, and then what does Yahoo!News do, but throw this shit-shaped pile of gold in my lap. For those who can't read / don't care, it's a story about Paris Hilton, featuring an illustrative photo (and no mention whatsoever) of Lindsay Lohan.

As if it's not bad enough that I actually know who these two women are, and can differentiate them by headshot alone (although the oft-included inset photos of their respective drugs of choice always help), I can now actually do so more competently than a group of people who are PAID to be knowledgable on the lives of these and other vacuous bitches. It's a proud sort of shame. I've seen my future, and I'm doing unpaid research for unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelly. Right now (in the future) I'm investigating the legitimacy of a supposed incestuous love trapezoid / four-way orgy between George Bush, George W. Bush, George Takei, and Barabara Bush. You'll never guess who was the top in THAT scenario! TRUST ME.

Sexy Beast

I was flying back from California on JetBlue the other day, so I got to watch some cable. According to the History Channel, in his hay-day (and I use the term loosely), Charles Manson would have like seven separate sexual encounters each day, and Neil Young thought he was a "pretty cool guy." Granted, this WAS the '60's, and well before Manson had risen to notorety as anything other than a mediocre folk singer (boy were THOSE ever in short demand at the time! no wonder (crazy) people loved him!), but still. Well before he discovered "grooviness" and became a peace-loving hate-monger, the guy had already established himself as a career criminal with a penchant for messianic posturing, emotionally damaged goods, and mind altering substances. Plus he looked like Evil Jesus. That's a red flag-and-a-half right there.

OK, granted, whenever a serial killer is publicly uncovered, it's usually some real regular looking dude with a boring-yet-important job helping the community, and all his neighbors are all "he used to water my dog for me, and make raisin cookies in the shape of Muppets for church bake sales" and stuff. But still. People responded to this guy as though he was fucking Kiss unplugged or something.

Speaking of Kiss, Gene Simmons was also on cable, getting a facelift. It was sort of poetic... Like in movies about the '60's, how they always foreshadow the descent into violence and extremism that followed all the drugs and music and narcissism... Apparently, after all the violence and extremism, delusional vanity, trips to the Playboy mansion and reality TV are all innevitable. From where I was sitting, Gene Simmons was Charles Manson's "Ghost of Christmas Future."

NOTE ON THE ABOVE: How come at this point even the History Channel has to use outrageous sex and violence to draw an audience? The prospect of our history isn't enticing enough for viewers? They oughta change their name to "E! Presents the Collected History of the World: Extra Boobs Edition."

I SMELL A SITCOM BREWING!!!

Let's, just as a working title call it, "Poncey Brit and The Black" and... maybe we'll include... umm.. a robot housekeeper?



Another thought, wouldn't this work SO much better as an anti drug commercial? Like, instead of the old, "No one says, 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up'" voice over, it could be "No one says, 'I want to be a homophobic washed up popstar when I grow up'".

...


...Think about it!

INTERNET + NARCISSISM = INTERNARCISSISM / NARCINET

With all the internet has to offer as far as the knowledge and the vast experience of others it's no wonder I spend my time googling both myself and our little talk show. Here are the "fruits" of my "labor":

The fine folks over at The Goldblum Standard http://goldblumstandard.blogspot.com wrote a nice piece about the time Jeff Goldblum was kind enough to sit down for an interview with us and rub my thigh a number of times. This article finally accomplishes my goal of having "Nick Scoullar" and "Brundlefly" written in the same article.


On an INTERNATIONAL note, the lovely INTERNATIONAL person at Plumpleslie has written an INTERNATIONAL blog that mentions the phrase "Instant Talk Show". I can't decifer the rest of the INTERNATIONAL language, but from what I can make out the article deals with the show being very funny and "is Nick Scoullar married, I want to marry him, I want to give him money" blah blah blah. Thanks plumpleslie!

On a side note, has anyone else out there found themselves in a situation where they have to type the phrase "Instant Talk Show" many many many times a day? It's harder than you would think, but you get used to it. Instant Talk Show, Instant Talk Show, Instant Talk Show, Instant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk Show

NS

NEWS ITEMS HAVING ALMOST NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN NICK SCOULLAR

1. As part of my ongoing campaign of having tremendous balls, I posted this video which you may remember:


on fellow talk show host Craig Ferguson's myspace page.



I was delighted / shocked to see he actually accepted it for all the world to see. I can only assume this means he has watched it, I can only assume THAT means we are now good friends / contemporaries.

2. Following this, I decided to brush up on my Ferguson, and youtubed some classic moments of his. While doing this, I realized I have been VIOLATING A TALK SHOW RULE!! I don't stand up to greet my guests! This is just sacrelig and not me trying to be different! I hope Jeff Goldblum didn't think I was being rude! Is that why he kept calling my shoes "cop shoes"? They were just black shoes!

3. Today Allen emailed me this image:



Putting narcissism aside, I can HONESTLY say this is one of the finest images of the 21st century.

That is all. Thank you very much.

NS

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO OF RED SHEET AND SHORT SHORTS!

(also cobra biting baby.)

As you can see, we are almost identical to gawker, but we focus mostly on the Third World social scene.

Need I say more?? NEED I?

Fountains of Wayne - Someone To Love

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