Friday, March 30, 2007


See how the asshole holding my arms has his fly down? So unprofessional.

I Google image searched the words "flesh norb"

These were some of the results:

I will never comprehend the magical power of the Google image search.

Funny Band Name....



Thursday, March 29, 2007


Let me tell you a little story about life and death.

A New York landmark (albeit an ugly one) was destroyed as recently as this past week. I am speaking of course of the Cooper Union Building on Bowery between 6th and 7th (You know the one... Big, ugly, grey on off-white paint job... The one that's not, like, there anymore...). The building famously housed... I dunno, probably fucking canvases and berets and crap. ANYWAY, the point is that, as a native New Yorker, I've seen buildings come and go, but this loss had a profound resonance to me, because it was on THAT SPOT that I learned an important life lesson. My sister was there, so if you don't believe me, just FUCKING ASK HER!!! GOSH!!!1

Picture this: A one legged pigeon. Standing perfectly still, in the dead center of the block. From the look of its feathers, the thing had another 45 seconds of life left in it. And the thing is, SHITTING ITS LIFE OUT. I'm seriously here, folks. The thing had a circular pile of pigeon shit, maybe three inches high, four inches in diameter, directly beneath it (for those who don't know, pigeon shit looks like green eggs and ham). And it WASN'T STOPPING. It was hard at work, very forcefully (and very literally) SQUEEZING the last ounces of life out of its awful little one-legged body.

And this was the best part of the whole scene. It's a Saturday afternoon, crowded street, sunny, warm day. And my sister and I are the only people who seem to notice this pitiful goddamn creature. This was a pigeon in the throes of death, conveying a message to the world at large through use of a giant pile of shit as a medium. And these people had the GALL to just ignore (or pretend to ignore) the thing. It's like if someone had used that flaming monk to light a cigarette. I guess its very cool and "New York" to be flip, or la, or whatever, but goddamn it, when a hard-living, one-legged pigeon's insides are on public display, you're supposed to feel SOMETHING.

And then it hit me: NOBODY CARES. If I hadn't been laughing my ass off at his dire situation, I would've been standing right next to my pigeon-brother, shitting in a show of solidarity. Because YOU could be one the sidewalk one day, on your one remaining leg, shitting yourself to death and NO ONE WOULD FUCKING CARE.

: )

We went to Austin to do two things: Chew bubble gum and make the local news...looks like we're all out of bubble gum.

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey totally JUMPED THE SHARK!

OK, time traveling in a telephone booth to recruit famous historical figures for an oral exam in order to ensure a future universe harmonized by rock and roll I buy, but having to defeat Death in a series of challenges in order to escape hell...are you fucking kidding me?!!!

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Like a virgin leading the blind

There's a GIANT ad being painted on the side of a building right now on Housten and Crosby Street featuring Madonna. More specifically, it features Madonna, wearing an outfit she herself designed, showing off roughly twelve vertical feet of cleavage. Being that Madonna has spent more than half of her life as a central spoke in the front wheel of American Pop Culture wheelbarrow, it was not that surprising that basically everyone who walked past the ad was unwaveringly fixated on Madonna (and/or her cleavage) as they passed by. What WAS surprising is the fact that I totally saw a BLIND GUY stop to stare up at her as he walked down the street, red-and-white cane in hand.

See, we all seem to forget that Madonna has magic tits. I blame a highly-successful PR campaign to draw attention instead to her cock-diesel arms (seriously... Show me ONE chick magazine in the last five years that doesn't explain, step-by-step, how to acheive "Madonna Arms"). If you are still doubtful of the magic of Madonna, consider for a minute, the COLD HARD FACTS:

-Exposure to Madonna's tits in the early nineties de-aged Warren Beatty by a hundred and seventy two years.

-Dennis Rodman hasn't gotten a rebound since banging Madonna while dressed in her underwear.

-That guy in that music video with the bullfighting was totally Mexican.

-Desparately Seeking Susan grossed just under $28 million in the US. In the film, Madonna starred alongside co-stars Aidan Quinn and Rosanna Arquette. Dick Tracy, which featured Madonna with Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, grossed just over $100 million in the US. Finally, Ishtar, featuring Hoffman and Beatty WITHOUT Madonna (or her tits) grossed roughly $14 million. If we disregard Al Pacino for a moment, we will see that the difference between casting Hoffman and Beatty versus casting Rosanna Arquette and Aidan Quinn is roughly $72 million at the box office. By contrast, the difference between having Madonna in a film versus not having Madonna in a film is roughly $86 million. Therefore, it can be mathematically deduced that each of Madonna's tits has a potential box office draw of $43 million. Finally, we can conclude that just one of Madonna's tits in a film can account for roughly $7 million MORE than you are likely to make by casting Dustin Hoffman in your movie instead of Aidan Quinn.

-Madonna has successfully shown the world irrefutably that 1) Jesus was a black man and that 2) he drank Pepsi.

Anyone still doubtful should come on down to Housten Street, where Madonna is sure to be breaking necks left and right.

Cool Knives pt. 2

David Lynch = Awesome/Insane pt. 2

Allen Cordell just posted this to my myspace page. What can I say? I don't like littering either, but this man, this David Lynch, he can express himself through rats mouths and anachronistic "biker gangs". What a guy.


Dexterity Personified

Cool Knives

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

A thought.

I'm just putting this out there folks, you can believe me or not, but I'm sayin', DAVID LYNCH HAS MADE THE BEST COFFE I HAVE EVER HAD.

Thus, he has combined my love of both coffee and elephant men. Discuss.

I Google image searched the word "nostrils"

This was the first result:

This was the sixteenth result:

David O. Russell, Genius or Madman?

See how he has one fist up in the air, ready to fight off anyone crazy enough to challenge his methods, while the other one is positioned cleverly beneath his ass cheek? Yeah, I bet you do.

Monday, March 26, 2007


With the air of Austin Texas still lingering in our lungs, we have but only one question for our viewers: WHAT IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE?

Friday, March 2, 2007

Hamster Dance

help me, help me. i'm losing my mind. I dont' like anything anymore. it's all
so tired....and then comes something new. Hamster Dance on youtube.