Like a virgin leading the blind

There's a GIANT ad being painted on the side of a building right now on Housten and Crosby Street featuring Madonna. More specifically, it features Madonna, wearing an outfit she herself designed, showing off roughly twelve vertical feet of cleavage. Being that Madonna has spent more than half of her life as a central spoke in the front wheel of American Pop Culture wheelbarrow, it was not that surprising that basically everyone who walked past the ad was unwaveringly fixated on Madonna (and/or her cleavage) as they passed by. What WAS surprising is the fact that I totally saw a BLIND GUY stop to stare up at her as he walked down the street, red-and-white cane in hand.

See, we all seem to forget that Madonna has magic tits. I blame a highly-successful PR campaign to draw attention instead to her cock-diesel arms (seriously... Show me ONE chick magazine in the last five years that doesn't explain, step-by-step, how to acheive "Madonna Arms"). If you are still doubtful of the magic of Madonna, consider for a minute, the COLD HARD FACTS:

-Exposure to Madonna's tits in the early nineties de-aged Warren Beatty by a hundred and seventy two years.

-Dennis Rodman hasn't gotten a rebound since banging Madonna while dressed in her underwear.

-That guy in that music video with the bullfighting was totally Mexican.

-Desparately Seeking Susan grossed just under $28 million in the US. In the film, Madonna starred alongside co-stars Aidan Quinn and Rosanna Arquette. Dick Tracy, which featured Madonna with Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, grossed just over $100 million in the US. Finally, Ishtar, featuring Hoffman and Beatty WITHOUT Madonna (or her tits) grossed roughly $14 million. If we disregard Al Pacino for a moment, we will see that the difference between casting Hoffman and Beatty versus casting Rosanna Arquette and Aidan Quinn is roughly $72 million at the box office. By contrast, the difference between having Madonna in a film versus not having Madonna in a film is roughly $86 million. Therefore, it can be mathematically deduced that each of Madonna's tits has a potential box office draw of $43 million. Finally, we can conclude that just one of Madonna's tits in a film can account for roughly $7 million MORE than you are likely to make by casting Dustin Hoffman in your movie instead of Aidan Quinn.

-Madonna has successfully shown the world irrefutably that 1) Jesus was a black man and that 2) he drank Pepsi.

Anyone still doubtful should come on down to Housten Street, where Madonna is sure to be breaking necks left and right.