So...

obviously we haven't been posting to observe Paris Hilton's time incarcerated and how she, HERSELF, could not blog during this time. Now things will be back to normal.

also:

I don't, at all, care about Paris Hilton.

THERE'S FUNNY, AND THEN THERE'S THIS

Before I saw this, there was a picture I had taken when I was still a member of the X Men on my desktop. In the picture, I was kicking the ass of the entire Third Reich, while arm wrestling a tryranosaurus and shaking hands with JFK. But that was before I saw this. It all seems so distant now...

THE SYSTEM WORKS!

Paris Hilton was released from jail today. I'm really heartbroken. I think if she had at least served 6 days of her sentence in a minimum security cell she would have been totally transformed into a thoughtful person of depth and character.

OH PICKLES!



THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Sarah Silverman and Paris Hilton are both women I've had sexual fantasies about, the only difference between them being one is INTENTIONALLY funny.

Actual conversations from this week (concerning beverages)

WAITER: Can I get you folks anything to drink?
ME: Just a coffee.
WAITER: Would you like an espresso, cappuccino, latte?
ME: Just a coffee.
WAITER: And would you like a regular coffee an or iced coffee?
ME: Just a coffee.

MORAL OF THE STORY : I MIGHT BE A DICK, BUT SALESMEN ARE DUMMIES.

also:

I saw a lovely couple on the subway today, they were white, toothless, mid 50's and also they were VERY OBVIOUSLY junkies. Taking that into consideration, I laughed A LOT when I heard 'mrs. junkie' say:

"UGH! WHY DID YOU GET SPRITE!? I CAN'T DRINK THIS!"

Finally proving my theory, 'aging junkies looking back on their days of boozing and killing spend their days eating garbage and still think Sprite is an inferior soft drink experience.'

LASTLY, here's a picture of me being mauled by a very nice dog:

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

Dude... Is anyone else, like, basically certain that the only reason Jon Voight is in the new Transformers movie is to make sure that Angelina Jolie's kids won't see the film? I guess if you can't spoil the kids, the least you can do is strong-arm their parents into depriving them the simple joys of robots in disguise.

Look on the bright side, Shakira... There's always Voltron.

Oh yeah....

I can't get interested in sports, but this clip of David Letterman's original 1980's talk show makes me go "YEAAAAAAAAH!". Check out the old new york / split screen intro. It's like getting a really good massage from Bill Murray.

??????????