Instant Talk Show

...and I'm still writing "Convicted Felon" on my checks!!!!

2008-01-07T20:40:00.000-05:00

Happy New Year all.
Thanks for all the support in 07. Talk to ya reeeeeeal soon.

Nick & ITS co.

Cameltoe.

2007-12-07T00:22:00.000-05:00

I mean CAMEO! CAMEO!

New Episodes.

2007-11-11T18:05:00.000-05:00

We have them.
You watch them.
Hooray.

Happy.

2007-10-31T18:14:00.001-05:00

Press = You and I both know who controls the Instant Media....

2007-10-01T05:58:00.000-05:00

Hi there,

We have been "written" about. We are in the "mainstream". We are "blowing up".

CHECK OUT HEEB MAGAZINE'S 100 CHOSEN LIST

Although The Heeb 100 list is not numbered, I have to say if it were I strongly believe we would be in AT LEAST the top 80. Eat that, nosy neighbor from Family Ties.

Guy who plays Eko = My new hero

2007-08-22T16:10:00.000-05:00

When I started watching season 2 of Lost, I said, "That young, some sort of African man who plays Mr. Eko, there's a solid actor who is some sort of African."

Then Today, I'm youtubin' it up, and guess what cats? My man is from LONDON, ENGLAND. That makes me not only somewhat racist, but VERY IMPRESSED by his acting. BOOM! Check it:

(possible season 2 spoilers, but what do you care, aren't you on season 4?)

"Microcosm" or "Woman in hat dislikes movie, is for some reason allowed to voice opinion."

2007-08-18T16:11:00.000-05:00

It should also be noted that QT's "talking over" skills are among the best I've ever seen!

NS

Lost is to Heroin as Wolverine is to ________?

2007-08-18T13:03:00.000-05:00

Last night I couldn't watch Lost. I found this instead.

-NS

p.s. I also host a talk show. Have I mentioned this, here at the Instant Talk Show blog? More on that verrrry soon.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS.

2007-08-16T10:26:00.001-05:00

A FURTHER Explaination....

2007-08-14T12:11:00.000-05:00

Yes, I wrote a post in jest about how I was not getting anything done because of my interest in the show Lost. This fantasy, however, has now become a reality. Yes, it seems the Lost-ER has become the Lost-ee. The situation is nothing short of dire. I am not sleeping or eating. In an ironic and unpredictable twist, my obsession with Lost and my sympathetic nature have put me in the position of a castaway. I am not showering. My stubble has become much more sexy. My quips even more clever. I am looking to the mysterious nature of the most mundane things - for example, the ultra destructive cloud of black smoke that patrols my apartment now seems like a world of unanswered questions. The eccentric band of hairy filthy people who live with me and don't know how they got there - I wonder what THEIR stories are. All of this leads me to one conclusion: Until Lost's end in 2010, I will be focused on nothing other than getting us off this island. DO YOU HEAR ME!? IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS! I DID EVERYTHING YOU ASKED!

-NS

p.s. Next week I get my Punky Brewster DVD boxset in the mail! I hope it doesn't make me get a boob job! Another Boob job!

An explaination:

2007-08-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

Some of you may be wondering why we haven't been up to date on our witty comments here at the Instant blog. So first off, let me say:

YOU"RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! OKAY DADDY!? GOD! WHAT AM I, YOUR SLAVE!? YOUR FUNNY MONKEY SLAAAAVE?!

More to the point, there is a specific and reasonable answer to why we have not been blogging. No, we're not on a break for the summer, no we're not backpacking through Amsterdam. The answer is simple:

I have been watching the first season of Lost, and there's really nothing else I can do. I am powerless against it's grip over me. Apologies. I will check back with you all after I find out what the monster looks like or if the Korean dude can speak English.

NS

Cocktail.

2007-07-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

Ethan Haas IS wrong....

2007-07-11T17:51:00.000-05:00

Allen Cordell: Sup?

Nick Scoullar: Nothing, I'm tired!

Allen Cordell: Uh huh. What are you doing tonight?

Nick Scoullar: I don't even know! Faryl said we have plans, but she won't tell me what they are.

Allen Cordell: She's totally 1-18-08ing you.

If it pleases the court....

2007-07-09T15:31:00.000-05:00

May I present exhibit A in the case of
"Haircuts and Clothes don't matter
v.
Reality"

So...

2007-06-26T18:53:00.000-05:00

obviously we haven't been posting to observe Paris Hilton's time incarcerated and how she, HERSELF, could not blog during this time. Now things will be back to normal.

also:

I don't, at all, care about Paris Hilton.

THERE'S FUNNY, AND THEN THERE'S THIS

2007-06-08T13:55:00.000-05:00

Before I saw this, there was a picture I had taken when I was still a member of the X Men on my desktop. In the picture, I was kicking the ass of the entire Third Reich, while arm wrestling a tryranosaurus and shaking hands with JFK. But that was before I saw this. It all seems so distant now...

THE SYSTEM WORKS!

2007-06-07T13:14:00.000-05:00

Paris Hilton was released from jail today. I'm really heartbroken. I think if she had at least served 6 days of her sentence in a minimum security cell she would have been totally transformed into a thoughtful person of depth and character.

OH PICKLES!

THE MORAL OF THE STORY: Sarah Silverman and Paris Hilton are both women I've had sexual fantasies about, the only difference between them being one is INTENTIONALLY funny.

Actual conversations from this week (concerning beverages)

2007-05-29T22:55:00.000-05:00

WAITER: Can I get you folks anything to drink?
ME: Just a coffee.
WAITER: Would you like an espresso, cappuccino, latte?
ME: Just a coffee.
WAITER: And would you like a regular coffee an or iced coffee?
ME: Just a coffee.

MORAL OF THE STORY : I MIGHT BE A DICK, BUT SALESMEN ARE DUMMIES.

also:

I saw a lovely couple on the subway today, they were white, toothless, mid 50's and also they were VERY OBVIOUSLY junkies. Taking that into consideration, I laughed A LOT when I heard 'mrs. junkie' say:

"UGH! WHY DID YOU GET SPRITE!? I CAN'T DRINK THIS!"

Finally proving my theory, 'aging junkies looking back on their days of boozing and killing spend their days eating garbage and still think Sprite is an inferior soft drink experience.'

LASTLY, here's a picture of me being mauled by a very nice dog:

MORE THAN MEETS THE EYE

2007-05-29T11:22:00.000-05:00

Dude... Is anyone else, like, basically certain that the only reason Jon Voight is in the new Transformers movie is to make sure that Angelina Jolie's kids won't see the film? I guess if you can't spoil the kids, the least you can do is strong-arm their parents into depriving them the simple joys of robots in disguise.

Look on the bright side, Shakira... There's always Voltron.

Oh yeah....

2007-05-29T09:26:00.000-05:00

I can't get interested in sports, but this clip of David Letterman's original 1980's talk show makes me go "YEAAAAAAAAH!". Check out the old new york / split screen intro. It's like getting a really good massage from Bill Murray.

??????????

2007-05-28T16:01:00.001-05:00

While we're on the subject....

2007-05-25T14:52:00.000-05:00

"Could the reporter read back the witness' statement please?"

"yes, 'I plead the fifth, 'nuff said'."

Never meet your heroes, true believers!

WOW.

2007-05-25T11:32:00.003-05:00

I have not even watched this yet, but, just IN THEORY, I have decided it is amazing.

Done.

I DO THIS FOR THE CHILDREN

2007-05-24T16:08:00.001-05:00

Alright Instant Talk Show fan/s, it's time to take off the kid gloves, and open up a HOT NEW/BUTTON/CONTROVERSIAL TOPIC for discussion.

Incisor: The One True Tooth? Or just this year's canine?

DISCUSS/WHO CARES.

R.I.P O.D.B

YOU KNOW WHAT I COULD REALLY USE?

2007-05-21T17:19:00.000-05:00

Some Five Alive. Put that togther with some V8, and you've got thirteen natural flavors. Add some Clamato and some Olde English 800, and you've got yourself an entire day's nutrition in a glass. Because the Instant Talk Show doesn't NEED a recipe for success. We do potluck. Suckers.

DON'T HASSEL ME, MAN

2007-05-18T14:41:00.000-05:00

Whoa. Looks like God finally got my email, cause the Hoff's got a new show. I think it's a reality show. It's called something like "My Dad's an Alcoholic, and There's Nothing Funny About That." It's hilarious! In the next episode, Kitt gets a very special DUI. Guest starring Paris Hilton.

In a situation like this one, my heart goes out to the burger. I mean, that thing is gonna have rejection issues the rest of its life. If you watch the video (link: http://youtube.com/watch?v=dyRm1vL77ps), you'll see Hoff trying VERY, VERY HARD to eat a fast food burger, and failing, with spectacular comedic effect. Who is this guy, the fucking Hamburglar?

In other news, anyone who pays for cable nowadays is a sucker, cause celebrities are just saving their "A" game for real life. Reality used to be my anti-drug. Now it's just my drug.

END OF AN ERA

2007-05-17T17:53:00.000-05:00

All right,

For all you fucking assholes who never came by to see the giant titty Madonna billboard I was so excited about a few weeks back, forget it, it's fucking over. Chance: GONE. There's two Mario and Luigi looking dudes out there RIGHT NOW covering Madonna up with white paint.

I'm seriously, we need a moment of silence here. Because NONE OF US WILL EVER SEE A GIANT IMAGE OF MADONNA LOOKING ATTRACTIVE BEYOND HER YEARS EVER AGAIN EVER. Trust me. She's very modest. I mean, just look at the giant and flattering photo of her. OH WAIT, YOU GODDAMN CAN'T, IT'S GONE FOR GOOD.

Moment of silence... Done.

And since I forgot my camera again, above is a repurposed photo of some bitch covered in paint, for your reference.

QUESTION:

2007-05-17T00:01:00.000-05:00

Is this funny or dirty?

I'm sorry if it's dirty.

Bible Humper

2007-05-16T11:52:00.000-05:00

Jerry Falwell died yesterday. So this morning I looked him up on Wikipedia, to try and gain some insight into this now-dead, Elmer Fudd-esque man before his puff-piece obit hits, and his memory gets propelled to a status befitting a recently deceased Living God. Unfortunately, the Wikipeople had gotten there first, and cleaned up all the dirt, so this enigmatic man (I had never heard of him before yesterday, to the best of my knowledge) will FOREVER remain a mystery. Unequivocally. About the only "fact" I was able to glean before I got bored and started searching for an entry for "Briand Dennehy Beastiality Sex Scandal" (FYI there isn't one... YET) was that Jerry lost his virginity to his own mother in an outhouse. At least according to Larry Flynt. The accuracy of this account could be called into question, but it's entertainment value is absolute.

Whereas the Ancient Egyptians built tombs to help usher their most revered dead to the underworld, we now construct heaping mounds of shmaltz and spin to honor our dead leaders. And as in Egypt, when I say we, I mean "the Jews."

Hey, I KNOW HER!!!

2007-05-15T17:49:00.000-05:00

OK, so having satisfied my "one post every fifteen months" quota, I was more than content to sit on ass the rest of my day, and then what does Yahoo!News do, but throw this shit-shaped pile of gold in my lap. For those who can't read / don't care, it's a story about Paris Hilton, featuring an illustrative photo (and no mention whatsoever) of Lindsay Lohan.

As if it's not bad enough that I actually know who these two women are, and can differentiate them by headshot alone (although the oft-included inset photos of their respective drugs of choice always help), I can now actually do so more competently than a group of people who are PAID to be knowledgable on the lives of these and other vacuous bitches. It's a proud sort of shame. I've seen my future, and I'm doing unpaid research for unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelly. Right now (in the future) I'm investigating the legitimacy of a supposed incestuous love trapezoid / four-way orgy between George Bush, George W. Bush, George Takei, and Barabara Bush. You'll never guess who was the top in THAT scenario! TRUST ME.

Sexy Beast

2007-05-15T13:24:00.000-05:00

I was flying back from California on JetBlue the other day, so I got to watch some cable. According to the History Channel, in his hay-day (and I use the term loosely), Charles Manson would have like seven separate sexual encounters each day, and Neil Young thought he was a "pretty cool guy." Granted, this WAS the '60's, and well before Manson had risen to notorety as anything other than a mediocre folk singer (boy were THOSE ever in short demand at the time! no wonder (crazy) people loved him!), but still. Well before he discovered "grooviness" and became a peace-loving hate-monger, the guy had already established himself as a career criminal with a penchant for messianic posturing, emotionally damaged goods, and mind altering substances. Plus he looked like Evil Jesus. That's a red flag-and-a-half right there.

OK, granted, whenever a serial killer is publicly uncovered, it's usually some real regular looking dude with a boring-yet-important job helping the community, and all his neighbors are all "he used to water my dog for me, and make raisin cookies in the shape of Muppets for church bake sales" and stuff. But still. People responded to this guy as though he was fucking Kiss unplugged or something.

Speaking of Kiss, Gene Simmons was also on cable, getting a facelift. It was sort of poetic... Like in movies about the '60's, how they always foreshadow the descent into violence and extremism that followed all the drugs and music and narcissism... Apparently, after all the violence and extremism, delusional vanity, trips to the Playboy mansion and reality TV are all innevitable. From where I was sitting, Gene Simmons was Charles Manson's "Ghost of Christmas Future."

NOTE ON THE ABOVE: How come at this point even the History Channel has to use outrageous sex and violence to draw an audience? The prospect of our history isn't enticing enough for viewers? They oughta change their name to "E! Presents the Collected History of the World: Extra Boobs Edition."

I SMELL A SITCOM BREWING!!!

2007-05-11T16:48:00.000-05:00

Let's, just as a working title call it, "Poncey Brit and The Black" and... maybe we'll include... umm.. a robot housekeeper?

Another thought, wouldn't this work SO much better as an anti drug commercial? Like, instead of the old, "No one says, 'I want to be a junkie when I grow up'" voice over, it could be "No one says, 'I want to be a homophobic washed up popstar when I grow up'".

...

...Think about it!

INTERNET + NARCISSISM = INTERNARCISSISM / NARCINET

2007-05-11T10:50:00.000-05:00

With all the internet has to offer as far as the knowledge and the vast experience of others it's no wonder I spend my time googling both myself and our little talk show. Here are the "fruits" of my "labor":

The fine folks over at The Goldblum Standard http://goldblumstandard.blogspot.com wrote a nice piece about the time Jeff Goldblum was kind enough to sit down for an interview with us and rub my thigh a number of times. This article finally accomplishes my goal of having "Nick Scoullar" and "Brundlefly" written in the same article.

On an INTERNATIONAL note, the lovely INTERNATIONAL person at Plumpleslie has written an INTERNATIONAL blog that mentions the phrase "Instant Talk Show". I can't decifer the rest of the INTERNATIONAL language, but from what I can make out the article deals with the show being very funny and "is Nick Scoullar married, I want to marry him, I want to give him money" blah blah blah. Thanks plumpleslie!

On a side note, has anyone else out there found themselves in a situation where they have to type the phrase "Instant Talk Show" many many many times a day? It's harder than you would think, but you get used to it. Instant Talk Show, Instant Talk Show, Instant Talk Show, Instant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk ShowInstant Talk Show

NS

NEWS ITEMS HAVING ALMOST NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN NICK SCOULLAR

2007-05-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

1. As part of my ongoing campaign of having tremendous balls, I posted this video which you may remember:

on fellow talk show host Craig Ferguson's myspace page.

I was delighted / shocked to see he actually accepted it for all the world to see. I can only assume this means he has watched it, I can only assume THAT means we are now good friends / contemporaries.

2. Following this, I decided to brush up on my Ferguson, and youtubed some classic moments of his. While doing this, I realized I have been VIOLATING A TALK SHOW RULE!! I don't stand up to greet my guests! This is just sacrelig and not me trying to be different! I hope Jeff Goldblum didn't think I was being rude! Is that why he kept calling my shoes "cop shoes"? They were just black shoes!

3. Today Allen emailed me this image:

Putting narcissism aside, I can HONESTLY say this is one of the finest images of the 21st century.

That is all. Thank you very much.

NS

EXCLUSIVE VIDEO OF RED SHEET AND SHORT SHORTS!

2007-05-09T15:14:00.000-05:00

(also cobra biting baby.)

As you can see, we are almost identical to gawker, but we focus mostly on the Third World social scene.

Need I say more?? NEED I?

2007-05-02T17:00:00.000-05:00

Fountains of Wayne - Someone To Love

Add to My Profile | More Videos

O SNAH!

2007-04-30T09:45:00.000-05:00

This is a SPECIAL BONUS VIDEO for blog readers only!
Also, if anyone else wants to watch it they can too though.

Too "Busy"!

2007-04-25T10:07:00.000-05:00

We've been working hard on our comic con/sxsw episodes so we haven't been able to blog so much lately. Rest assured, we will never forget our loyal blog readers. Appologies to both of you.

Alec Balwin stands up for civil rights.

2007-04-20T17:25:00.000-05:00

"I don't give a DAMN that your 11 years old, or 12 years old..."

HA HA HA HA HA HA!

http://www.aolcdn.com/tmz_audio/0419_baldwin_bleeped.mp3

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

"We'll miss you Sanjaya!"

2007-04-19T16:50:00.000-05:00

Who is Sanjaya?

According to google:

Dr. Sanjaya Mishra, Reader in Distance Education
Sanjaya Mishra ( born 1969), M.L.I.S, M.Phil., MADE, Ph.D., PGDTVP, before joining STRIDE in June 1996, served one of the Regional Centres of IGNOU for three years. He specializes in Information and Communication Technologies (ICT) applicable for teaching and learning both at a distance and face-to-face situation. He is the Coordinator of the course on Communication Technology for Distance Education, which is part of the Post-Graduate Diploma in Distance Education (PGDDE). He is also the programme Co-coordinator of PGDDE.

Apart from his core area of competencies, his other areas of interest include: instructional design for both traditional and web-based learning; effective support to distance learners, including library services; research methods, especially survey and questionnaire based; information architecture and knowledge organization; staff training and development; and professional development through online learning.

Dr. Mishra served the Commonwealth Educational Media Centre for Asia (CEMCA) from 2001-2003 on secondment.

VT SHOOTER SPEAKS!

2007-04-18T23:15:00.001-05:00

Most Exciting New Artist In Years....

2007-04-18T10:55:00.001-05:00

Calm as Hindu Gerbils

2007-04-16T17:17:00.000-05:00

In case you guys missed this, it seems that the country of India as a whole is all mad at Richard Gere. Which is very happy-making for us Instant Talkers. The rapture hit dangerous highs once we successfully married this "news" to a photo of a Richard Gere "look-a-like" from Google.

Hooray for the internets!

A Quote...

2007-04-09T12:24:00.000-05:00

Here is a quote from my new favorite blogger, fashion maven Gregory Littley:

"Nick Scoullar is like Conan O'Brien, but hipper, funnier and younger. So I guess that makes him better"

I'd say this guy is on to something. Check out www.gregorylittley.com for future Nick Scoullar praise, and assorted "other" items.

NS

Comedy 101

2007-04-05T15:27:00.000-05:00

Just from a scientific point of view, WHY IS THIS SO FUNNY?

Possible reasons:

1. Excessive use of "vagina" and "penis".

2. Crazy accents that don't make sense.

3. Insane people.

4. White people being SO white.

5. Cute dogs vs. genitals.

-NS

Things "yahoo" tells me are "important".

2007-04-04T12:03:00.000-05:00

In the news today, it was revealed:

1. Phil Spector pointed a gun at his girlfriend in the 1970's!

2. Keith Richards snorted some of his fathers ashes!

other shockers "revealed":

3. A man in Hartford, CT finds cheese fries delicious!

4. A bear in yellow stone park made a growling sound some time last week!

5. GRAVITY!

......

also, I really also like this song also:

on a related note... has anyone realized how many puncuation/quotation marks are necessary to convey sarcasm though typing?

-NS

I meant to post this months ago, but it remains true.

2007-04-03T15:21:00.000-05:00

I WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF THIS SONG:

-NS

A Coupla' Slaps

2007-04-02T16:22:00.000-05:00

Death Zone 7

2007-04-02T16:21:00.001-05:00

Giant Giant

2007-04-02T16:17:00.001-05:00

Giant Dairy

2007-04-02T16:15:00.001-05:00

Giant Theory

2007-04-02T16:14:00.001-05:00

Giant Fist

2007-04-02T16:12:00.000-05:00

Giant Fish

2007-04-02T16:02:00.000-05:00

Paradise By The Dashboard Light

2007-04-02T12:29:00.000-05:00

Sega has always kept it real. Next time some eight year old owns you on Halo 2, challenge him to some Afterburner, and see if that won't make his rat tail stand on edge. Getting schooled by the pep squad at DDR? Pop in Moonwalker, and see who has the REALEST rhythms, BITCHES! Point is, Sega doesn't want you to grow up, but they don't really mind if you're already forty five. Case in point? Nights, baby.

Nights: Into Dreams was the best game you never heard of. This game probably would have gotten your Grandma into games, if not for the dismal failure of the Saturn (which in turn was begat by the dismal failure of the 32X, which was a rehash of the failure of the Sega CD, which was an offshoot of the failure of the Genesis, which was the son-of-the-living-failure of the Sega Master System). Launched on an already-defunct-as-a-doornail system, Nights put you in control of Nights, a flying purple imp who invaded the dreams of children out of boredom and/or for personal gain.

Besides being the first game with an integrated analog control scheme (WHOOOOO! DROKS!!!), Nights was also a completely G-rated take on A Nightmare On Elm Street. Perhaps the strangest choice in mascot since Bonk The Child Molester, Nights was a swan song for a company with a "Best of" collection of Swan Songs. With a sequel for the game now confirmed for launch on the Wii in the Fall, it looks like your Grandma may in fact feel like flying. Despite most of the industry insisting that the Wii will deliver on a promise Nintendo made to us with The Power Pad some thirteen years ago, I remain unsure as to the future reception of our beloved imp-thing, Nights. As someone who has fallen for Sega's shiny charms again and again ("I wish I could quit you!"), I have no doubt that die-hard nerds will be bowled over by Nights' reemergence, which will in turn will be ignored by the money-having public.

So, for lack of a better conclusion, here's where I'm going with this: Sega has always been happy to sacrifice sales figures in exchange for putting out some of the weirdest fucking "games" ever seen. Space Channel 5. INXS: Making The Video. De-Cap Attack. Sega is like the corporate equivalent of that clumsy waiter from Sesame Street. Time and time again, they'd rather take a face-first dive down a flight of stairs than leave any wanting for "FIVE BANANA FLAMBES!"

Now gimme all your quarters and get the fuck out.

WATCHMEN/ I DO NOT BELIEVE IN ABSOLUTES, BUT I BELIEVE THIS:

2007-04-01T11:32:00.000-05:00

So we're all hanging around, discussing the potential of a Watchmen movie. If you don't know Watchmen... I don't know what to tell you then, it's one of the best comic books ever. Duh. So this chunk of awesomeness has been stuck in hollywood development hell for like, 20 years now. All kinds of directors have been attatched to make it. Most recently Paul Greengrass of "Bourne Supremacy" fame was linked to it, but it was abandoned. Then, last week, news comes that "300" director Zack Snyder is giving it a go. Controversy at the Instant Talk Show Clubhouse ensuses:

Me : That's bullshit.

DB: It's one of those movies that just shouldn't be made.

FM: HBO Miniseries, dudes!

A: Harmony Korine should direct it.

HG: Yeah, yeah, I could see that.

Me: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT!? That's RIDICULOUS! Fucking Martin Scorsese or P.T. Anderson or Robert Altman's CORPSE! Someone who knows big casts and epic stories!

JB sits down.

Me: Hey, who do you think should direct the Watchmen movie.

Pause.

Silence.

JB: David Fincher.

Silence.

Looks around the room, mouths are agape.

Me: This is the answer we have been looking for. No further discussion is needed on the matter. Thank you, JB.

And that, is that.

I GOT A NEW OUTFIT!

2007-03-30T18:12:00.000-05:00

See how the asshole holding my arms has his fly down? So unprofessional.

I Google image searched the words "flesh norb"

2007-03-30T15:04:00.000-05:00

These were some of the results:

I will never comprehend the magical power of the Google image search.

Funny Band Name....

2007-03-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

"ORIFIST"

NS

OH THE HUMANITY!!!

2007-03-29T16:43:00.000-05:00

Let me tell you a little story about life and death.

A New York landmark (albeit an ugly one) was destroyed as recently as this past week. I am speaking of course of the Cooper Union Building on Bowery between 6th and 7th (You know the one... Big, ugly, grey on off-white paint job... The one that's not, like, there anymore...). The building famously housed... I dunno, probably fucking canvases and berets and crap. ANYWAY, the point is that, as a native New Yorker, I've seen buildings come and go, but this loss had a profound resonance to me, because it was on THAT SPOT that I learned an important life lesson. My sister was there, so if you don't believe me, just FUCKING ASK HER!!! GOSH!!!1

Picture this: A one legged pigeon. Standing perfectly still, in the dead center of the block. From the look of its feathers, the thing had another 45 seconds of life left in it. And the thing is, SHITTING ITS LIFE OUT. I'm seriously here, folks. The thing had a circular pile of pigeon shit, maybe three inches high, four inches in diameter, directly beneath it (for those who don't know, pigeon shit looks like green eggs and ham). And it WASN'T STOPPING. It was hard at work, very forcefully (and very literally) SQUEEZING the last ounces of life out of its awful little one-legged body.

And this was the best part of the whole scene. It's a Saturday afternoon, crowded street, sunny, warm day. And my sister and I are the only people who seem to notice this pitiful goddamn creature. This was a pigeon in the throes of death, conveying a message to the world at large through use of a giant pile of shit as a medium. And these people had the GALL to just ignore (or pretend to ignore) the thing. It's like if someone had used that flaming monk to light a cigarette. I guess its very cool and "New York" to be flip, or la, or whatever, but goddamn it, when a hard-living, one-legged pigeon's insides are on public display, you're supposed to feel SOMETHING.

And then it hit me: NOBODY CARES. If I hadn't been laughing my ass off at his dire situation, I would've been standing right next to my pigeon-brother, shitting in a show of solidarity. Because YOU could be one the sidewalk one day, on your one remaining leg, shitting yourself to death and NO ONE WOULD FUCKING CARE.

: )

We went to Austin to do two things: Chew bubble gum and make the local news...looks like we're all out of bubble gum.

2007-03-29T15:50:00.000-05:00

Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey totally JUMPED THE SHARK!

2007-03-29T10:23:00.000-05:00

OK, time traveling in a telephone booth to recruit famous historical figures for an oral exam in order to ensure a future universe harmonized by rock and roll I buy, but having to defeat Death in a series of challenges in order to escape hell...are you fucking kidding me?!!!

Like a virgin leading the blind

2007-03-28T12:29:00.000-05:00

There's a GIANT ad being painted on the side of a building right now on Housten and Crosby Street featuring Madonna. More specifically, it features Madonna, wearing an outfit she herself designed, showing off roughly twelve vertical feet of cleavage. Being that Madonna has spent more than half of her life as a central spoke in the front wheel of American Pop Culture wheelbarrow, it was not that surprising that basically everyone who walked past the ad was unwaveringly fixated on Madonna (and/or her cleavage) as they passed by. What WAS surprising is the fact that I totally saw a BLIND GUY stop to stare up at her as he walked down the street, red-and-white cane in hand.

See, we all seem to forget that Madonna has magic tits. I blame a highly-successful PR campaign to draw attention instead to her cock-diesel arms (seriously... Show me ONE chick magazine in the last five years that doesn't explain, step-by-step, how to acheive "Madonna Arms"). If you are still doubtful of the magic of Madonna, consider for a minute, the COLD HARD FACTS:

-Exposure to Madonna's tits in the early nineties de-aged Warren Beatty by a hundred and seventy two years.

-Dennis Rodman hasn't gotten a rebound since banging Madonna while dressed in her underwear.

-That guy in that music video with the bullfighting was totally Mexican.

-Desparately Seeking Susan grossed just under $28 million in the US. In the film, Madonna starred alongside co-stars Aidan Quinn and Rosanna Arquette. Dick Tracy, which featured Madonna with Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, grossed just over $100 million in the US. Finally, Ishtar, featuring Hoffman and Beatty WITHOUT Madonna (or her tits) grossed roughly $14 million. If we disregard Al Pacino for a moment, we will see that the difference between casting Hoffman and Beatty versus casting Rosanna Arquette and Aidan Quinn is roughly $72 million at the box office. By contrast, the difference between having Madonna in a film versus not having Madonna in a film is roughly $86 million. Therefore, it can be mathematically deduced that each of Madonna's tits has a potential box office draw of $43 million. Finally, we can conclude that just one of Madonna's tits in a film can account for roughly $7 million MORE than you are likely to make by casting Dustin Hoffman in your movie instead of Aidan Quinn.

-Madonna has successfully shown the world irrefutably that 1) Jesus was a black man and that 2) he drank Pepsi.

Anyone still doubtful should come on down to Housten Street, where Madonna is sure to be breaking necks left and right.

Cool Knives pt. 2

2007-03-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

David Lynch = Awesome/Insane pt. 2

2007-03-28T11:36:00.000-05:00

Allen Cordell just posted this to my myspace page. What can I say? I don't like littering either, but this man, this David Lynch, he can express himself through rats mouths and anachronistic "biker gangs". What a guy.

NS

Dexterity Personified

2007-03-28T11:20:00.000-05:00

Cool Knives

2007-03-28T11:13:00.000-05:00

A thought.

2007-03-27T17:01:00.000-05:00

I'm just putting this out there folks, you can believe me or not, but I'm sayin', DAVID LYNCH HAS MADE THE BEST COFFE I HAVE EVER HAD.

Thus, he has combined my love of both coffee and elephant men. Discuss.

I Google image searched the word "nostrils"

2007-03-27T15:30:00.000-05:00

This was the first result:

This was the sixteenth result:

David O. Russell, Genius or Madman?

2007-03-27T15:18:00.000-05:00

See how he has one fist up in the air, ready to fight off anyone crazy enough to challenge his methods, while the other one is positioned cleverly beneath his ass cheek? Yeah, I bet you do.

Tombstones

2007-03-26T11:35:00.000-05:00

With the air of Austin Texas still lingering in our lungs, we have but only one question for our viewers: WHAT IS YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE?

Hamster Dance

2007-03-02T01:51:00.000-05:00

help me, help me. i'm losing my mind. I dont' like anything anymore. it's all
so tired....and then comes something new. Hamster Dance on youtube.
refreshment.

FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, KIDS!

2007-02-28T14:15:00.000-05:00

Someone posted this:

on Kevin Bewersdorf's myspace, and I felt I should spread the word. Keep Clean! Does anyone know how to contact this guy? I would like to have him showering on a future episode of Instant Talk.

-Nick Scoullar

REVIEW: FRED CLAUS TRAILER

2007-02-20T13:00:00.000-05:00

Allen Cordell:

just sent this trailer to me in one of those, "you bored? Check this out" emails. Being the sourpus that I can be, I must say, it doesn't look UNfunny, but here's a question: Do they just shoot trailers for movies like this now to see if they want to do the whole movie? This seems to be a scene improv-ed soley to generate hype.

Thoughts?

- Nick Scoullar

Imagine Hiccuping FOREVER

2007-02-17T11:24:00.000-05:00

Look at that girl. She's fifteen years old. Doesn't she look exhausted? Well she's been hiccuping for three weeks straight and she's worried she's never going to stop. Her name is Jennifer Mee, she lives in St. Petersburg, and she has tried every known home remedy there is. None of them have worked. I feel sorry for her. She must literally be going insane. I know I would.

At 50 times a minute these incessant hiccups, according to Jennifer's mother, Rachel Robidoux, sound like the barks of a chihuahua. It started on Janurary 23rd and apparently Jennifer is so depressed she's considered jumping off the Sunshine Skyway to make them stop. I don't blame her. She hasn't gone back to school since it started and is now home tutored. Apparently the hiccuping is too much to handle. And her chest and hips hurt from the constant spasming.

The longest case on record lasted 69 years. What would you do if this happened to you?

I'll be following the case of Jennifer Mee, hoping they find a cure for her.

REVIEW: Apples in Stereo at Bowery Ballroom 2.15.07

2007-02-16T15:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was very exciting indeed! I had not been to Bowery Ballroom in a couple of years, and heading down there reminded me of all the times I had to lie or show a fake ID to get in there in the old days. We arrived at the venue around 10pm, the whole Mottley Crue of us.(I actually mean we were the band from the 80s, I am not implying we were in any way rag or tag. ) Robert and the Apples gang took the stage and were really tight. The harmonies and rhythm parts were all there. People danced and smiled. I looked everywhere for Elijah Wood, because I owe him $8 dollars. I wish I could name drop people without sounding like a scoundrel. Anyway, a good time was had by all! Here are some pics from the event:

-Nick Scoullar

Teresa Tuesday (Part 2)

2007-02-15T14:50:00.000-05:00

It's Thursday again, so naturally Teresa Tuesday. Teleport her back to me, I miss her. Trans-canopy denture, you know what I mean?

Sweet Nothings

2007-02-15T13:55:00.000-05:00

Hey Gang,

Get out your safari hats and your elephant guns, cause we've got a little Instant Diversion in store for our devoted viewers -

Instant Scavenger Hunt!!!1

A few weeks back, we took a trip to some local supermarkets in downtown New York, scouring the aisles for funny foodstuffs to use in a few of our segments. After hitting four or so stores, we managed to find every item on our shopping list, except for a certain well-known breakfast cereal, which features sugar-coated bits shaped like the letters of the alphabet. Strange. After hitting every supermarket in the vicinity, and even a few bodegas, with no alphanumeric treats to be found, our curiousity had piqued; we wanted to know where our crunchy little letters had disappeared to. A visit to the manufacturer's website didn't help to confirm or deny that the cereal had disappeared without notice; despite a few references to the stuff scattered throughout the website, our cereal was conspicuously missing from the online list of the company's products.

Had cases of cereal bound for New York mysteriously "fallen off of the back of a truck," and into the laps of black-market cereal purveyors? Was it a case of circumstantial human error that had come between us and breakfast-y bliss? Or had the company decided to snub the literate cereal-eating community, diverting the alotted starches and sugars instead to the manufacturing plant for Video Game: The Cereal?

Conspiracy theories aside, WE WANT TO KNOW!! (seriously. we can dwell on stuff like this for months.) If you have any information on the condition of the confection in question, let us know. Is it just us, or has this cereal just fucking vanished? Photos of you enjoying the cereal and/or displaying your command of the English language through its use are a bonus, and we will post any images we feel fairly certain won't get us sued. Happy hunting!!!

THE INSTANT TALK SHOW BREAKFAST CREW

New Episode This Week

2007-02-15T12:57:00.000-05:00

Check out our newest episode with Robert Schneider from the APPLES IN STEREO
coinciding with the release of their newest album NEW MAGNETIC WONDER (natch')
by newly minted record mogul ELIJAH WOOD (also featured on ITS this week). And who
said we don't line up planets for a living. Enjoy.

PS>we're all going to see the Apples at the Bowery Ballroom tonight. Full report to follow.

INSTANT TALK SHOW GANG

Teresa Tuesday

2007-02-08T22:30:00.000-05:00

Did Teresa last night. same thing. tuesday. 15 years. yumsner.
chickenmeal fill you up good good. double helping heatloaf. too much noodles.
film talk. up to the dome. death lays an egg. bye bye. fragrant taxi. home.

A.N.S.R.I.P.

2007-02-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

I will NEVER get to talk to her now.

Why?

Grampa Nick's Ramen Recepie

2007-02-04T16:03:00.000-05:00

I never thought I would be at a place in my life where I would have a special recepie for Ramen, but here we are none the less! I've really come upon something here, and I'd like to share it with you.

First:

Get one package of simple ramen at your local discount store. Not the cup of noodles kind, just the noodles in a pack, they should be about five for a dollar. Don't you hate it when you go into stores and everyone is asking you why you look so sad!?

NEXT:

Boil two cups of water in a small pot. No salt is necesary as most ramen flavors are already super salty. (We'll add some salt later.) Yesterday I was in American Eagle Outfitter's in fact, and the lady there asked me why I looked so sad. I said, "Oh, I'm just sort of a sad guy" she said, "why?" and I said "oh..its sort of out of your scope."

THEN:

Here's the fun part! Take your soup bowl(a bigger one if you've got it.) and throw a handfull of corn or any veggie you like in it. Put the bowl in the microwave for 1 minute. Add your noodles to the boiling water. I'm really not sure what was more embarassing about that. The fact that she asked why I was so sad, or how condesending my response was, or the fact that I was shopping at American Eagle Outfitters.

THEN:

Remove the bowl from the microwave(your noodles are almost ready!) and add 2 tablespoons of speghetti sauce. You can use any kind, I like herb flavored ragu. I mean, what was I supposed to tell "SARAH" the sales lady? That I was in a bad mood because a group of those "DO YOU HAVE A MINUTE FOR THE ENVIRONMENT" People ganged up on me on 14th street and I ended up shoving one of them who stood in front of me who was A GIRL and I feel bad about it but WORSE about the fact that I'm so upset about being advertised to at all times of the day that I DON'T entirely feel bad about it!?

NEXT:

Remove your noodles from the flame, do not drain, and do not add the flavor packet(it's easier to clean this way). Instead, add the noodles and water straight into your bowl. Stir it up "real good" with your spoon, and add the flavor packet, and, to your liking, salt, pepper, garlic powder. and dill.

FINALLY:

Sit down at the table, inhale that lovely smell, and try to forget about all your bourgeois urbanite troubles. They really aren't such a big deal in the grand scheme of things. When it comes down to it, life is just a bowl of noodles. It's all in how you enjoy it.

-Nick Scoullar

"Never meet your heroes", part 23

2007-01-19T16:05:00.001-05:00

I follow people.

Sometimes.

If I think a person is interesting, I follow them. Not into their bathroom or anything, just down the way for a block or two. I walk how they walk, breathe how they breathe, try to see what they are seeing, consider it anthropology.

That being said:

I'm heading home on the 1 train this past November, and there is this guy directly across from me. Long grey hair, stubble, jean jacket, destroyed boots, HE WAS KIND OF AWESOME. I turn to Faryl,

"I wish that guy could play my dad in a movie."

"No, not your dad, your son in the future"

"Yes! He's like old Wolverine!"

And this is how I discovered "Wolverine Guy". If it seems like I'm making too big a deal out of some dude on the train, understand that I grew up in Manhattan, and my only experience with characters of true grit has been reruns of Northern Exposure.

Anyway, I get off the train, Wolverine Guy stays on (he's going uptown to some awesome diner I've never heard of or to "get some money from a guy"), and I forget about it.

Then, next week I'm on Crosby Street, and my main goes clomping by! He's wearing shades and appears to be walking at a 45 degree angle! This is very exciting. I wait a beat, then follow behind him, about 10 feet between us. I assume the diagonal body posture, start stomping to compensate for my loafers. He's lookin' around, "lookin' at all these damn suckers", I'm lookin' around too. He's puffin' on that cigarette, my arm follows his arm. We do this for a block, and I turn the corner, taking with me what I've learned.

I run into a friend. He asks what I'm up to. I tell him all about Wolverine Guy and how he's an amazing enigma in my world.

"Wait, I know that guy, he works at the bookshop down the street."

"Nah… I don't think he.. he wouldn't stand for that kind of thing."

"Okay, whatever. Sounds like the same guy though."

I saw Wolverine Guy every now and then over the next few months. It always gave me a charge, but that conversation with my friend kept nagging at me.

Until yesterday.

I went in to that book shop. I just went right in.

I went downstairs, where the NAYSAYERS would have you believe my hero spends his days.

And there he was.

Wolverine Guy.

Standing behind a counter, standing tall actually, very erect. He looked different. He didn't have his coat on, all of a sudden he was so skinny. Not in a indie rock kind of way, in a "I could take this guy" kind of way.

Bah! Its just my mind playing tricks. I'll talk to him. I'll ask him some dumb question and he'll give me the Logan guff! He'll say "Huh!? I don't know kid, I just work here, payin off some debts. Now gettoutta my face before I make ya."

I approach the counter.

"Hey, I'm in the market for a leather bound journal. You know, really rustic? Like Indiana Jones? Do you have that?"

"Oh my, that's a toughy"

THAT'S A TOUGHY!?

His voice was so HIGH, so TIGHT. So 'I wasn't invited to this art opening but I came with my friend'.

He went on:

"Well, let me see, what's that place my wife likes….."

Your wife!? You're a loner! Its just you and that "picea' crap Harley'!

"Oh, I know, its Kate's Paperie. Do you know Kate's Paperie?"

"Y…yeah.. I know… I know Kate's. I. Have. To. Go. Now."

I turned slowly, then ran up the stairs and out of the store. I immediately went home and watched Raiders of the Lost Ark while doing pushups and whittling. I had to make sense of this attack on my idea of masculinity and mystery.

Faryl gets home.

"Baby! I met Wolverine Guy today! He's washed up detritus from the CBGB's scene!"

"Oh. Well, you know what they say."

"No… what?! What do they say!?"

"Never meet your heroes."

-Nick Scoullar

WE'RE LIVE, BABY

2007-01-11T13:57:00.000-05:00

Instant Talk Show is up and running! That's instanttalkshow.com, friends.
Please visit often for embarassments, chicken delicious,
revealing moments, tender empathy, overworked humor, underwear, great musical artists,
celebrity dish, instant this, that and everything.

Peace. love and understanding.

-Instant Talk Show Gang